Existence

I have not, nor will I ever take a photo that changes the world. My photos don’t affect public sentiment. My photos don’t encourage public discourse. My photos don’t sell anything — much less themselves. They simply exist. Which makes me believe I exist. Which is better than believing I’m just an algorithm running inside an aging carbon-based computer.

Quite simply, I take photos of things that interest me, using whatever techniques yield an image that appeals to me on both a visual and emotional level. If other people happen to find enjoyment in my photos, all the better — after all, existence loves company. But finding acceptance beyond my own self has never motivated my photography. I shoot for me.

But every few years, I start to lose interest in what I’m photographing. Mind you, I never lose interest in photography — just in my previous subject matter, or my approach to those subjects. These periods, in which I struggle to take photos, used to fill me with a cataclysmic existential dread — as if not taking as many photos meant I didn’t exist. But with age comes insight, and I’ve learned this isn’t a sign that I’ve ceased to be, but a sign that we are always evolving and always changing, and that the photos I once took were literal snapshots of a previous me. I used to fear these periods of uncertainty. But now I accept them for what they are — a time to experiment, and fail, and fail some more, and learn about myself all over again.

I’m smack in the middle of one such spell right now — the first in nearly five years. My muscle memory takes photos of an echo of me, but I know there’s something more — some extra dimension I’m missing. Some other journey I’m meant to embrace. Sometimes it’s taken me months to find my way. Sometimes it’s taken years.

In the meantime, while I wrestle with evolution, I’ll continue to take photos. And I’ll occasionally take a few good ones. And I’ll definitely take a boatload — if not a flotilla — of truly bad ones. Fortunately, struggling to photograph also makes me believe I exist. It’s just a crappier version of it.


© 2026 grEGORy simpson

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Comments

2 responses to “Existence”

  1. Stephen Jenner Avatar
    Stephen Jenner

    I am pretty sure that you are not alone Mr. Simpson, I am in a similar boat. Personally, I have tried different film stock, including some colour material. None of it is working, money being a major issue for this English pensioner, I have just traded a couple of Sigma cameras for a Leica iiig with a collapsible Summicron, which has not helped as I no longer have a decent scanner.

    That aside, I for one, like the three examples above, I appreciate the use of reflection, so I am thinking of re-trading the iiig for n e other digital device, my brain damage is telling me that film is truly dead.

    Meanwhile Arlo (cat) is demanding that I open the window to let him pass through to the remainder of his breakfast, and I think about loading some Ilford 5×4 film holders and prepare for a walk with my pinholio.

    Keep your pecker up sir and remember that the muse WILL return.

    1. Egor Avatar
      Egor

      Yeah. I’m not too concerned. It’s happened at least a dozen times over my life. I have the same cycles with music composition, which is currently on a creative hot streak, so at least I’m not floundering. I always emerge from these dry spells with new ideas, and a new vigour. It just sucks when you’re mired in one (as you know), and aren’t sure when it’ll end.

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