I’m somewhat of an aficionado when it comes to apocalyptic lore — at least as filtered through the lens of the motion picture industry, which is probably no more fantastical an account than the sacred source material from which it derives.
Though frequently uncredited in films, the original tale was penned around the year 95 AD by a guy named John, who I’m guessing kept a dream journal next to his bed for recording his “visions.” Since John was a fairly common name, scholars don’t agree which John this actually was. But they do agree, given it’s a pretty good yarn, that he must have been one of the famous Johns — so the story was deemed to be gospel, and tacked on to the end of the New Testament. In my own experience, dreams may inspire some interesting plot elements, but they’re definitely not true. If they were, I’d have spent the bulk of my childhood in psychoanalysis — given how regularly I arrived at school stark naked.
In John’s vision, a group of people are hanging around playing harps and imbibing in incense (the precursor to fiddling with iPhones and vaping). Meanwhile, some dude is breaking sealed scrolls and reading them (the precursor to hacking various government and corporate websites). The first seal he cracks contains a cryptic message about a rider on a white horse, who wears a crown and carries a weapon, and is a conquerer. This, the first sign of the apocalypse, has been interpreted by various faiths and researchers as a direct reference either to A) any of a dozen different historical figures; B) Christ; or C) the antichrist. In other words, one’s interpretation depends entirely on whether one identifies with the conquerer or with the conquered. If you ask me, this makes for a rather flimsy first sign.
The next seals don’t make things any clearer. We get a second rider galloping around on a red horse, convincing people to kill one another (which seems rather redundant given the first rider’s conquering nature); and we get a third rider on a black horse, who carries some scales and a price list that artificially inflates grain prices. Most scholars interpret this to mean “famine,” which is why they’re scholars and I’m not — because I just see it as a sign of greed. And honestly, as horrific as famine is, mankind’s propensity for greed is far more likely to trigger its demise. But what do I know? I majored in Electrical Engineering. Breaking the fourth seal unleashes another horseman, who rides a pale green pony and goes by the name of Death. Judging by all the conquering and killing that was unleashed by the first three cowboys, I fail to see what’s left for this guy to accomplish.
Indicative of dream logic, the next three seals careen off into an entirely different direction — forgoing the whole horse thing entirely, until we crack open the seventh seal, which (like the season finale of every series on Netflix) serves only to reveal that there are yet another seven signs to interpret. Only now, instead of horsemen, the signs are unleashed by seven angels — each of whom plays a tasty trumpet solo to herald each new catastrophe.
Why all the poetry? Wouldn’t it be more helpful to have a list of actual apocalyptic signs, rather than a bunch of archaic allegories to interpret? I know I’m the last person who should ever argue against metaphor — but the plain truth is that most people are too literally minded for symbolism to be an effective form of communication. If you have a message that really needs to reach as many people as possible, it needs to be pedantically clear. You know, a message as important as, say, the end of the world.
So it’s ironic that it falls on me, Mr. Metaphor, to alert the world to an actual, tangible, apocalyptic sign that’s manifesting right here; right now. Yes, I’m talking about the Humonkey!
With COVID vaccines and treatments continuing to dominate science news, you may have missed the announcement: Mankind is now injecting human cells into monkey embryos, and birthing human-monkey hybrids. Who needs some wishy-washy parable to signify the end of the world, when we’re staring at this reality?
Strangely enough, it’s not so much the invention of the humonkey that has me concerned — it’s the fact this isn’t our first attempt at building a chimera. Preceding the humonkey experiment were pig-human chimeras (pigmen) and sheep-human chimeras (sheeple). So it’s not just that mankind thought it would be a good idea to merge itself with monkeys; it’s that mankind first thought it would be a good idea to merge itself with pigs and sheep — as if those creatures were somehow preferable receptacles for human DNA. Really? What scientist thought “Who among us wouldn’t want to be half man, half sheep?” Sometimes you just have to wonder how much actual “sapiens” there is in the average “homo sapiens.”
Curiously, this isn’t even the fist time mankind’s travelled down the sheep hole. It’s been 25 years since some folks in Scotland first cloned a sheep, and yet I don’t see any more of them out strolling the streets today than I ever did. Didn’t anyone bother to first check the global supply chain, to see whether there was an actual demand for more sheep? Just like someone probably should have conducted a poll, to see how many humans want to be fused with a pig. Anyone with a lick of sense would prefer a monkey bod — one built for swinging around treetops; flinging feces; and with four times as much physical strength. Not only that, but macaque monkeys easily adopt human behaviours — such as taking selfies that go viral, and engaging in copyright lawsuits over ownership. So the fact it took scientists this long to choose what should have been an obvious chimera partnership doesn’t necessarily presage a utopian outcome.
The whole humonkey thing wouldn’t be quite as terrifying were it not for one of Elon Musk’s recent experiments, in which a device implanted in a monkey’s brain enables it to telepathically control robots from thousands of miles away. Yeah, what could go wrong there? Sure, I know this is being developed to ultimately help humans create things by simply visualizing them, and that the desire behind all this technology is to better the human experience. But wasn’t that also the idea behind social media? And we’ve all seen where that’s lead us. And ask yourselves this: is it a coincidence that the monkey used in these experiments was also a macaque? As if it weren’t already bad enough that mankind’s creating a litigious race of humonkeys, we’re now creating a litigious race that can sue one another telepathically.
Sadly, I’m sure we humans will all ignore this apocalyptic sign and blithely carry on with our lives. After all, it’s not like we ever really bothered to address any of the previously identified existential threats. Remember how we were all going to die if we didn’t stop using antibacterial soaps and hand sanitizer? Now, thanks to COVID, the manufacturing of hand sanitizer has become the second largest industry on the planet (I didn’t bother to look it up, but I’m sure it’s true). Show me those humans who don’t own at least 14 jugs of hand sanitizer, and I’ll show you the rag tag army of survivors who will be left to battle, and ultimately succumb to the rise of the humonkey.
Mark my words: As soon as the first humonkey telepathically generates a video that goes viral on Tik Tok, it’s all over. Put that in the Book of Revelation.
©2021 grEGORy simpson
ABOUT THE PHOTOS: As you can easily see from these photos, I’m already channeling my inner monkey in preparation for the upcoming apocalypse, though I’m obviously no macaque. All were shot with my trusty M10 Monochrom, with “Not Easy Enough” fronted with a Minolta 40mm f/2 Rokkor; “A Personal Apocalypse” with a Voigtlander 50mm f/1.5 Nokton; and “Cross Eyed” and “One for the Ladies” both snapped with a Minolta 28mm f/2.8 Rokkor. Also, much like I must frequently apologize to physicists for my cavalier interpretations of their life’s work, so too must I apologize to theologians. Suffice to say, if you’d like to see your area of expertise recklessly paraphrased on the internet, ULTRAsomething is the site on which it will probably happen.
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