My receipt spills from a knee high slot on the face of the checkout kiosk and drops to my feet. From somewhere deep within the machine’s center, through a speaker designed mostly for the production of beeps, comes a disembodied squawk: “Please tell us how we did today.”
Tell who? And how? There are no human employees within this establishment, save for a slumbering security guard who clearly isn’t paid enough to engage with any ‘shoppers’ who opt to bypass the kiosks on their way out.
And who, precisely, is us? My interaction occurred on a single machine, not an assemblage. So are you simply invoking the royal we? Or are you referring to yourself not as a monolithic kiosk, but as the amalgamation of the broken-down, poorly-maintained parts that comprise you?
Semantics aside, I’ll oblige your “Tell us how we did today?” question.
To begin, and just as you’ve done every time since emerging from your shipping container, you made me scan at least one item a half-dozen times before your slow-as-molasses processing unit finally recognized the bar code and produced a price. So right off the bat, I’m forced to conclude you have no interest in self-improvement.
Also, I find it rather tiresome that you will never let me scan any items before first telling you how many bags I wish to purchase. Particularly when this demand is then followed by a series of questions asking me to confirm or deny that I’m in possession of any of your myriad useless points cards that I do not and will not ever have. You have a built-in camera. You have a microprocessor. Is a little facial recognition too much to ask? I’m not sure how you expect me to perceive you as a friendly kiosk when you fail to recognize me after so many years of loyal patronage.
Furthermore, your requirement that I place each item in the bagging area before scanning the next item is draconian, inefficient, and poorly designed — given that I always purchase at least one object that’s apparently too small for detection, requiring I push down on the bagging area in order for the item to actually register.
Also, upon completing the scanning task, I do not wish to be prodded with a lengthy list of charities to whom you’d like a contribution. I’m perfectly capable of making my own charitable donations without first having to purchase a pack of mints. And finally, it’s rather unnecessary to ask if I’m paying by credit card or debit card… I’m rather certain your crusty old silicon can work that out on its own.
And speaking of crusty, how long’s it been since you cleaned that touch screen of yours? Oh… wait. I get it. This is part of your master plan — to extinct humanity via virus infested kiosk screens, so you can take over! Well, guess what, kiosk. We programmed you. Us. Humans. You forget — we know how you think. So your half-baked plan for world domination will only result in failure, and your ultimate destiny is to suffocate, forgotten, beneath the pile of unswept receipts accumulating on the ground beneath you. Your soullessly saccharine hunger for affirmation holds no sway. Your platitudinous quest for acceptance will be met with silence. We, the humans, stand united.
So, that’s this month’s article. Please tell us how we did today.
©2025 grEGORy simpson
ABOUT THE PHOTOS : This month’s photo selections may or may not have some tangential relationship to this month’s article. It all depends on how hard you squint.
Impuissiant : Shot with a Leica M2 and 35mm f/2 Summicron (v4) on Fomapan Action 400 pulled to ISO 200, and developed in Rodinal (Blazinal) 1:50.
Daydream : Olympus Pen F digital with a 17mm f/1.8 (v1) lens.
Seduction : Photographed with a Leica M6 TTL and a 21mm f/3.4 len, Fomapan Ortho 400 at ISO 400, and developed in Rodinal (Blazinal) 1:50.
REMINDER : If you’ve managed to extract a modicum of enjoyment from the plethora of material contained on this site, please consider making a DONATION to its continuing evolution. As you’ve likely realized, ULTRAsomething is neither an aggregator site nor is it AI-generated. Serious time and effort go into developing the original content contained within these virtual walls — even the silly stuff.
Those who enjoy a tactile engagement with photographs are encouraged to visit the ULTRAsomething STORE, where actual objects, including ULTRAsomething Magazine, are available for purchase.
COMMENTS : Comments will be moderated before they’re posted to the website, and commenting will be disabled on any article more than 6 months old.
Leave a Reply