Congratulations. If you’re reading this, then you’re breathing the rarified air of a one-percenter — outwardly disdained but secretly admired by the common riff-raff that comprises humanity’s lesser 99%. But unlike the more common one-percenters of modern vernacular, your status is not dependent on the balance in your Swiss accounts, nor your holdings in the Grand Caymans. It’s not measured by the length of your yacht nor the number of time zones in which your many vacation homes sit at the ready. Your status is rarer than this. Yours is the status of an ULTRAsomething reader.
A few years ago, my decision to self-publish and peddle ULTRAsomething magazine rendered the site ineligible for the sort of free web stats to which I’d been accustom. Because billing algorithms now classified me as a “commercial enterprise,” any stats I might desire were no longer free. Unfortunately, the cost of retaining this “privilege” actually exceeded the sum total of all magazine sales. While some rudimentary stats remain available through Google Analytics, it became a bit of a slog to access them. And given that the data was both limited in scope and rather old by the time it arrived, I simply stopped caring how many people visited the site…
… until last month, when dwindling magazine sales and declining content moderation duties lead me to comb through Google Analytics to see what was up. And clearly, “up” did not define ULTRAsomething’s readership. Instead, I was confronted by the cold hard reality that ULTRAsomething’s engagement is now less than 1% of what it was during the site’s heyday a decade ago. Even 17 years ago — when the site first began, had yet to achieve notoriety, and admittedly sucked — my readership was 10 times what it is now.
So what’s it all mean? I dunno. In all the time this site’s been bouncing off satellites, it’s never once been monetized — even if it does now provide a front-end to purchasing the ULTRAsomething exorcisms, and even then at what still amounts to a substantial loss. There’s no ad revenue, affiliate links, nor anything else to make me actually care how much my readership shrinks. So I just soldier on.
Later this year, I plan to revise the site entirely — but into what, I cannot say. Not because it’s a giant secret, but because I don’t think any of my new ideas are any more compelling than what I’m already doing. Truth is, I had the same revision plans last year, along with the same paucity of good ideas. If any of the 1% want to weigh in, feel free. I’ve no doubt, whatever I do, that anyone reading this site next year will be a member of an even more exclusive club: the POINT one-percenters. Those billionaires are going to be so jealous…
©2025 grEGORy simpson
ABOUT THE PHOTOS : Rather than posting new photos to accompany the article, I decided to dig back into my photo archives, and publish photos taken way back in the heady days of two years ago — when the site was still popular enough to have retained a full 2% of its previous readership. And since this article is about readers, I figured the photos should all have some sort of unifying “word/language” based theme as well. And yes, I too am flummoxed as to how content this clever can continue to disengage audiences so thoroughly…
REMINDER : If you’ve managed to extract a modicum of enjoyment from the plethora of material contained on this site, please consider making a DONATION to its continuing evolution. As you’ve likely realized, ULTRAsomething is neither an aggregator site nor is it AI-generated. Serious time and effort go into developing the original content contained within these virtual walls — even the silly stuff.
Those who enjoy a tactile engagement with photographs are encouraged to visit the ULTRAsomething STORE, where actual objects, including ULTRAsomething Magazine, are available for purchase.
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